Meanwhile life such as it is goes on. I am frequently asked if I have any words of advice for young and old. Well I think the most important is this: that good things and bad things come in streaks. So plunge when you are winning and fold when you are losing. You got a winning streak ride it but don’t ride it too far too fast or you can hit a losing streak doing ninety miles and hour and that isn’t good. You never know when your streak ends. If you did it would be too easy. Never interfere in a boy and girl fight. Never. Beware of whores that say they don’t want money. The hell they don’t. What they mean is they want more money. Much more money. If you are doing business with a religious son of a bitch get it in writing [laughter].
His word isn’t worth shit. Not with the good Lord telling him how to fuck you on the deal [laughter]. If after having been exposed to someone’s presence you feel as if you’ve lost a quart of plasma avoid that presence. You need it like you need pernicious anemia. We don’t like to hear the word vampire around here we’re trying to improve our PR. Build up a kindly avuncular benevolent image. Interdependence is the key word. Enlightened interdependence. Life in all its rich variety take a little leave a little. However, by the inevitable logistics of the vampiric process they always take more than they leave. And why indeed should they take any? Sure a wart is better than a cancer but who wants either one? Avoid Fuck Ups. FU’s I call them. You all know the type. Everything they have anything to do with turns into a disaster no matter how good it may sound. They are trouble for themselves and everyone connected with them. A FU is bad news and it rubs off. Don’t let it rub off on you. Do not proffer sympathy to the mentally ill – it’s a bottomless pit. Tell them firmly I am not paid to listen to this dribble! You are a terminal FU! And avoid confirmed criminals they are a special malignant strain of FU. Look what Norman Mailer got himself into by involving himself with that archetypical criminal FU Jack Henry Abbott. To quote from his book: “I would sell my soul for freedom but I won’t give an honest days work or behave myself for an instant for that same thing.” I think Abbott is the FU-ist of the FU’s. Now some specialized advice: if there are any aspiring young thieves in the audience don’t ever try and hit a Chinaman – he will die before he gives up his money! I remember a young hoodlum named Eddie who learned the hard way. Eddie and two other bums need some money on a Saturday night so they decide to heist this Chinese laundry. Below street level one little skinny chink down there ironing shirts. All they have to do is flash a gun and he will fork over or so they think. Instead he comes up with a meat cleaver screaming “Fluck you, fluck you, fluck you…” [Laughter] and they wisely heed the words of the immortal bard: stay not on the order of your going but go at once…Out in the street this one kid is laughing about it “Ah you can win 'em all” and imitating the Chinaman Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you… “What are you all looking at me so funny for?” [says the kid]. “Man you’ve got a meat cleaver stuck in your head.” So the kid reaches up and feels the meat cleaver and “Ugh...” passes out cold. So they steer him to a hospital and pour him through the door. No some of you may encounter the devil’s bargain if you get that far. Any old soul is worth saving at least to a priest. But not every soul is worth buying – so you can take the offer as a complement. Try his money first you know, all the money there is. So who wants to be the richest guy in some cemetery? So money won’t buy it. Not much left to spend it on eh gramps? Gitt’in too old to cut the mustard… Well, time hits the hardest blows especially below the belt. So how’s a young body grab you? Like three card Monty pea under the shell “now you see it now you don’t…” Old fool is going to rush out and realize all his wet dreams. Haven’t you forgotten something gramps? In order to feel something you have to be there. You have to be eighteen years old. And you aren’t eighteen you’re seventy-eight. You just simply are not there. Old fool sold his soul for a strap on. Well I always try the easy ones first so how about an honorable bargain? You always wanted to be a doctor well now here’s your chance. Right back there in medical school. Why you could become a great healer and benefit humanity what’s wrong with that? Just about everything. There are no honorable bargains that involve exchange of quality [sic. qualitative] merchandise like souls for quantitative merchandise like time. Yeah, that’s always a bargain for him the devils bargain. A wise old junk pusher told me years ago, “watch whose money you pick up” and “watch who’s time you pick up.”
William S.Burroughs – Art Now: A Day of Contemporary Art Prose Reading, July 1989, Naropa Institute.
Creative Commons license: Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0
Transcribed from the Original Audio Recording by Marcus D. Niski.
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