Why anger is just another form of fear

Story by Refresh News • Yesterday


One would not intuitively assume that in many cases, behind anger, there is simply fear. After all, a temper tantrum is rather scary for those who have to witness it. So what does anger have to do with fear?

Seen from the outside, people must sometimes seem pretty crazy. They throw dishes, throw smartphones on the floor, yell like they’re insane. They attack the other person or flee head over heels to get out of the situation as quickly as possible.

Are you angry. Anger is an intense, but above all an offensive emotion. At least at first glance. Anger seems strong, dominant, frightening to those who have to witness it.
Personal experiences with anger and fear

Anger has been “my” emotion for half my life. If you look at the basic negative emotions – i.e. anger, fear and sadness – I have the impression that one of these emotions is particularly prominent in all people. In that regard, the world for me was divided into anger, fear, and sadness types. And I think I was definitely an anger guy.

In contrast, I’ve never actually considered myself anxious. The reason I didn’t do that was because I only looked at fear on the surface, as did anger. For me, anxious people were those who didn’t dare to jump into the water from the 3-meter tower in our small town swimming pool. Those who do not dare to get on a moped and drive off without any significant experience. Those who don’t dare to ride the roller coaster, who never do Skydive do and would never travel alone. Those who fear snakes, who flinch when dogs bark, and who would never ever mount a horse. Okay, admittedly, when it comes to fear of animals, I guess I’m not entirely fearless either, because I run away when I see a spider. But other than that, I never actually had any really obvious fears. So on the surface, I was (almost) fearless – which I couldn’t exactly say for myself when it came to anger.

I only know three people who could have held a candle to me when it came to outbursts of anger. When I say that the people who experienced my tantrums were afraid of me, that would be putting it nicely. Often they didn’t even dare to say what they were thinking, in order to somehow appease me.

So for most of my life, I’ve considered myself „angry,“ easily irritable. The anger was part of the image I had of myself. Quite the opposite of fear, which I never wanted to acknowledge as part of me. Fear and anger were difficult to reconcile in my head. So to speak, distant relatives who hardly have anything to do with each other.

I now believe that fear is the source of anger. Of course, that doesn’t mean that people who are less „angry“ don’t have fears. They’re just less likely to harbor those fears aggressions transform and thus externalize them.

Different types of anger

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Of course, there is no question that behind every tantrum there is always fear. After all, there are many different reasons why one can get angry.

For example, if you are angry because you were hit on or groped in the most primitive way in the club for the tenth time, this anger certainly has little to do with fear, but with the fact that you are simply and poignantly concerned about the non-existent behavior of the person concerned excited. Same if you chatted up stupidly from the side on the street or being insulted. There are many things to get upset about, and yes, these things can also cause you to freak out. But from an emotional point of view, it’s mostly about the little things.

But this other kind of anger, which cannot simply be described using the word „freak out,“ is on a completely different level emotionally. It’s a deep-seated anger that’s deep because it feeds on our most intimate fears.

Fear as the source of anger

If you’re angry at your partner because they’d rather spend their annual vacation with friends, then you’re angry because it triggers a deep fear of missing out. Or the fear of not being good enough – and the thought that the partner would prefer to travel with other people for this reason.

If you’re angry because your partner keeps asking if you’d rather hang out with them instead of going out with friends, you’re not angry because of that fact, but because you’re scared, hemmed in and to be controlled.

fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of control – What makes people angry is so individual because everyone has different fears. Often you can’t understand why another person reacts angry – just as other people often can’t understand why you get so upset about a supposed little thing.

Often behind anger there are not just any fears, but the fears that arise manifested in us in our childhood to have. Because in principle it is always the same things that make us angry – just in different variations, which ultimately all address one and the same fear.

However, what fear is present in all „angry“ people is the fear of admitting fears. Because anger is a protective mechanism that ensures that we don’t have to allow ourselves to be afraid – neither of others nor of ourselves.

In my experience, the first and most important step you have to take to release your anger is to admit your fear. From the moment I acknowledged my fears, I was able to work on them – and from there I was suddenly largely free of this deep-rooted anger that I’ve believed for half my life to be a part of me.