The Idea of Male Vulnerability Is So So So Ancient

Emotional vulnerability does not equate to softness.

March 5, 2023 by Lau Ciocan 


In this post, I am returning to an idea explored in a previous post on mentoring from Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey. But this time, I’m sharing what I’ve learned about male vulnerability from Homer’s beautiful 8th century BC epopee.

Here’s a refresher of some relevant bits of the story:

Menelaus, king of Sparta, wages war against the city of Troy after they took his wife, Helen. Odysseus joins Menelaus in his fight against Troy, leaving his son Telemachus in the care of his wife, Penelope, his good friend Mentor and the swineherd, Eumaeus. (I’ll come back to this section probably in another post).

The siege against Troy lasts a decade and because Odysseus’ journey home takes so long (another decade) no one knows whether he is still alive or not. By the time his son Telemachus reaches manhood, probably in his late 20s, he decides to visit Menelaus to find out what he knows about his father. Menelaus throws a welcome party where Telemachus talks to him about his father. Sadly for Telemachus, the Spartan king doesn’t have any news and believes that Odysseus has perished. At this thought, both men start to weep and are joined by Helen in a public display of emotions.

This left me in awe.

They simply cried. In public. At a party! Homer makes it sound so casual; their tears did not attract the attention of others, raise suspicions or cause tumult at the party.

I was surprised by their free expression of feelings in public at the thought of a dear friend and father no longer being alive. There was no judgment of, derogatory associations with, or commentary on the feelings being expressed by these men. In another part of the poem “great Odysseus melted into tears”

Bear in mind that a few decades prior, Odysseus and Menelaus were warriors spearheading trojans, literally, and at the same time, they were comfortable in showing emotions. This formed part of their masculinity and showing emotions wasn’t perceived as a weakness. Although Homer’s writings are stories, in many ways they reflect the culture and norms of those days.

There’s a similar portrayal of emotions from the 1st century AD, but this time from the Bible. Jesus finds out his good friend Lazarus has passed away and he travels to Bethany, in Judea, to visit his grave. As he approaches Lazarus’ grave Jesus starts weeping. #realbromance

When the locals see Jesus’ reaction, they are touched and acknowledge “behold how he loved him!” These are the same locals that try to stone Jesus to death a few chapters earlier because of their view of Jesus’ reputation.

As he weeps, Jesus is in a vulnerable situation. He is morning the loss of a dear friend and his critics could use this moment strategically to humiliate him. Instead, they recognise that his tears symbolise love, affection, but also sorrow at the loss of his friend.

Like in the other historic text, neither the author nor those present belittle or ridicule Jesus for his public display of emotions.

These two nuanced examples from Greek mythology and Christianity evidence that both male vulnerability and expressing how one feels in a healthy way go way back.

They confirm that there is a sweet balance between being comfortable and confident in one’s masculinity and displaying emotions. They refute the contemporary notion that confident and secure masculinity is synonymous with being emotionless.

By displaying emotions, I do not necessarily mean crying. The spectrum of emotions ranges from expressing ecstasy or experiencing tranquillity to sadness and grief, and at times could result in tears of sorrow or of joy.

We might be tempted to think that men have always been like they are today or in the recent past, valuing a stiff upper lip approach to feelings. We might also perceive men in the past as “barbaric” and men in the present as “flawless”.

This polarity also makes me question the idea of men who have been through war and are completely desensitised by their experiences, unable to show any emotions except anger. The above quote about Odysseus melting into tears is in the context of him thinking of the horrors of the Trojan war.

It’s time to learn how we as men, can be comfortable in displaying emotions healthily. No, it doesn’t make us weak or soft, quite the opposite. The toll for suppressing our emotions can be high for us and those around us. For some, it is lethal.

Suicide is still the biggest killer of men under 49 years old. Beyond male suicide, we must consider the impact we have on others as men — our partners, families, colleagues, and even complete strangers.

However, if you find yourself on the receiving end of a man who trusts you to share his emotions with you, show him support, compassion and empathy.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.