THE GREENLAND FILE (SATIRE, SERIOUSLY)
Frank Cerabino, Palm Beach Post
Updated Mon, January 6, 2025
Dear people of Greenland:
Stop attacking Florida. Every summer you send off giant chunks of your ice floe into the Atlantic, knowing fully that they will eventually wage a liquid invasion against the low-lying coastline of Florida.
This is an act of war.
Scientists have noted that on a particularly active day in 2021, a total of 8.5 billion tons of Greenland ice broke away — enough to cover the entire state of Florida in two inches of water.
We won’t stand for it anymore. It’s time to fight back, to answer your invasion with an invasion of our own. So, prepare to be the recipient of what our good friend and close ally Vladimir Putin calls a “special military operation.”
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Don’t try to resist or go running to your home nation, Denmark, or your neighbors in Canada, soon to be our 51st state.
Resistance is futile. We’re coming for your cod and tariffing your seal blubber. Don’t try to stop us.
This should be nothing new for you. Greenlanders should be used to being overrun by foreign adventurers by now.
Just look at it this way: What started in 982 A.D. by Erik the Red is now being continued in 2025 A.D. by Donald the Orange.
In case you haven’t been following the events here in the United States, we just had a presidential election in which millions of Americans voted for Donald Trump.
A photo taken in Estarn Greenland on August 13, 2023, shows a glacier partly melted.
Trump ran under a simple platform:
1. Make the Arctic Great Again (MAGA).
2. Import college-educated foreigners into the U.S. to do the jobs that Americans are too stupid to do because they watched too many 90s sitcoms like “Saved by the Bell.”
3. Cure windmill cancer.
In retaliation for the harm Greenland has done in perpetuating the global warming hoax while also flooding valuable Florida real estate, we plan to put missile batteries and other military installations in Greenland while creating a new market for American goods, such as Trump-branded Bibles, Teslas and assault rifles.
We may eventually come to count on Greenland to solve our affordable igloo crisis.
Accept your fate. When our troops roll into Nuuk, you should treat them as liberators, not attackers. It would be a mistake to test our will.
If any of our military members are harpooned, trapped, netted or otherwise harmed, we reserve the right to respond with nuclear weapons, if necessary.
The port in Nuu, Greenland on March 8, 2013.
We may also use our homeland propaganda cable TV operation to blame Greenland for the high price of eggs and for doing business with Hunter Biden — which may take years of open-ended investigations in the U.S. House of Representatives to unravel.
Trust us, we can make the American people believe anything. (It’s the upside of those 90s sitcoms.)
As for the damage you have already caused in Florida, the people of Greenland will be assessed a special melt tax.
The details of this will be handled by one of our brightest America-first leaders, U.S. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, who got the job, in part, because it will be easy for Trump to remember her name in discussions about Greenland.
Furthermore, if you continue to invade Florida in the upcoming summer months with your melted ice floes, the U.S. will consider taking additional steps, including converting Greenland into a penal colony for Democratic lawmakers, disobedient members of the media, and IRS auditors.
Don’t make us do something awful. So far, you’re not off to a good start.
It has already been noted that you haven’t reacted very well to our interest in you, which began with the following Trump tweet in December:
"For purposes of National Security and Freedom throughout the World, the United States of America feels that the ownership and control of Greenland is an absolute necessity," Trump wrote.
Instead of just conceding our appropriation of your sovereign territory, you did something stupid.
“We are not for sale,” your Prime Minister Mute Egede said.
And then Greenland announced a boost in its defense spending by purchasing two extra ships, some drones and a couple of dog sled teams.
Oh, dog sled teams. Now, you’ve got us scared!
And as for allowing us to buy Greenland, that window is closing fast.
We don’t have to buy our way into Greenland when we can move against you as a defensive response to your ongoing invasion of Florida.
Trust us, we’ve concocted flimsier invasion rationales. (See Iraq circa 2003.)
So, fess up, Greenland. Save yourself while you can or risk a nuked Nuuk.
Frank Cerabino is a news columnist with The Palm Beach Post, which is part of the USA Today-Network.
This article originally appeared on Palm Beach Post: Will Trump Make the Arctic Great Again with Greenland? | Opinion
Trump escalates plans to acquire Greenland after resident pleads: 'Denmark's using us'
Andrea Margolis
Mon, January 6, 2025
FOX NEWS
President-elect Trump ramped up his calls for the U.S. to take ownership of Greenland in an amusing social media post on Monday.
The move comes as the president's son, Donald Trump Jr., is preparing to travel to Greenland on Tuesday. The trip will be undertaken in a personal capacity, and he is not expected to meet with government officials.
In a Truth Social post, President-elect Trump said that he was "hearing that the people of Greenland are ‘MAGA'." The Republican attached a video that purportedly shows a Greenlander asking the U.S. to buy his country.
"If you could tell Trump anything, what would it be?" a woman is heard asking the man in the video.
"Buy us. Buy Greenland," the man, who was wearing a MAGA hat, replied.
A video appears to show a Greenlander asking Trump to buy his country.
The Greenlander then added that he "loved Americans" and wanted to be free of the Danish government.
"We don't want to be colonized by Danish government anymore," he explained. "We get ripped [off] every year [with] our minerals from Greenland. We are the richest nation in the world. And we don't get to use it. Denmark's using us too much."
In his message, Trump confirmed that he plans to visit Greenland in the near future and that his son, Donald Trump, Jr., will be in the country soon. The president-elect said that he plans to see some of the island's "most magnificent areas and sights."
"Greenland is an incredible place, and the people will benefit tremendously if, and when, it becomes part of our Nation," Trump wrote on Monday. "We will protect it, and cherish it, from a very vicious outside World. MAKE GREENLAND GREAT AGAIN!"
Trump's latest post comes two weeks after he first made headlines by expressing support for U.S. ownership of Greenland.
"[F]or purposes of National Security and Freedom throughout the World, the United States of America feels that the ownership and control of Greenland is an absolute necessity," the president-elect's Truth Social post read.
In response, Greenland Prime Minister Múte Egede declared interest in his country gaining independence from Denmark.
"The upcoming new election period must, together with the citizens, create these new steps, based on the foundations that have already been created," Egede said. "It is about time that we ourselves take a step and shape our future, also with regard to who we will cooperate closely with, and who our trading partners will be."
Trump has considered purchasing Greenland for several years now. In 2019, he floated the idea of buying Greenland and called it "a large real estate deal."
"A lot of things can be done. It’s hurting Denmark very badly because they're losing almost $700 million a year carrying it," Trump said at the time. "So, they carry it at great loss, and strategically for the United States, it would be nice. And, we're a big ally of Denmark and we help Denmark, and we protect Denmark."
During a "Fox News Sunday" interview about Trump's remarks, then-White House chief economic adviser Larry Kudlow confirmed that the president's sentiment was genuine.
"Greenland is a strategic place up there, and they've got a lot of valuable minerals," Kudlow explained at the time.
President-elect Trump ramped up his calls for the U.S. to take ownership of Greenland in an amusing social media post on Monday.
The move comes as the president's son, Donald Trump Jr., is preparing to travel to Greenland on Tuesday. The trip will be undertaken in a personal capacity, and he is not expected to meet with government officials.
In a Truth Social post, President-elect Trump said that he was "hearing that the people of Greenland are ‘MAGA'." The Republican attached a video that purportedly shows a Greenlander asking the U.S. to buy his country.
"If you could tell Trump anything, what would it be?" a woman is heard asking the man in the video.
"Buy us. Buy Greenland," the man, who was wearing a MAGA hat, replied.
A video appears to show a Greenlander asking Trump to buy his country.
The Greenlander then added that he "loved Americans" and wanted to be free of the Danish government.
"We don't want to be colonized by Danish government anymore," he explained. "We get ripped [off] every year [with] our minerals from Greenland. We are the richest nation in the world. And we don't get to use it. Denmark's using us too much."
In his message, Trump confirmed that he plans to visit Greenland in the near future and that his son, Donald Trump, Jr., will be in the country soon. The president-elect said that he plans to see some of the island's "most magnificent areas and sights."
"Greenland is an incredible place, and the people will benefit tremendously if, and when, it becomes part of our Nation," Trump wrote on Monday. "We will protect it, and cherish it, from a very vicious outside World. MAKE GREENLAND GREAT AGAIN!"
Trump's latest post comes two weeks after he first made headlines by expressing support for U.S. ownership of Greenland.
"[F]or purposes of National Security and Freedom throughout the World, the United States of America feels that the ownership and control of Greenland is an absolute necessity," the president-elect's Truth Social post read.
In response, Greenland Prime Minister Múte Egede declared interest in his country gaining independence from Denmark.
"The upcoming new election period must, together with the citizens, create these new steps, based on the foundations that have already been created," Egede said. "It is about time that we ourselves take a step and shape our future, also with regard to who we will cooperate closely with, and who our trading partners will be."
Trump has considered purchasing Greenland for several years now. In 2019, he floated the idea of buying Greenland and called it "a large real estate deal."
"A lot of things can be done. It’s hurting Denmark very badly because they're losing almost $700 million a year carrying it," Trump said at the time. "So, they carry it at great loss, and strategically for the United States, it would be nice. And, we're a big ally of Denmark and we help Denmark, and we protect Denmark."
During a "Fox News Sunday" interview about Trump's remarks, then-White House chief economic adviser Larry Kudlow confirmed that the president's sentiment was genuine.
"Greenland is a strategic place up there, and they've got a lot of valuable minerals," Kudlow explained at the time.
Houses are seen on the coastline in Nuuk, Greenland.
"I don't want to predict an outcome. I’m just saying the president, who knows a thing or two about buying real estate, wants to take a look."
Fox News' Nick Givas and Alexandra Koch contributed to this report
Don Jr. Visiting Greenland After Trump Said He Wanted to Own the Island
Yasmeen Hamadeh
Mon, January 6, 2025
CHANDAN KHANNA/AFP via Getty Images
Donald Trump Jr. is slated to visit Greenland on Tuesday after his father, President-elect Donald Trump, expressed that he feels it is an “absolute necessity” for the U.S. to have “ownership and control” of the territory.
“As someone who has traveled to some fascinating places across the globe as an outdoorsman, I’m excited to stop into Greenland for a little bit of fun this week,” Don Jr. told Fox News Digital in a report published Monday.
The president-elect also addressed his son’s trip to Greenland in a Truth Social post Monday evening, writing: “I am hearing that the people of Greenland are ‘MAGA.’
“My son, Don Jr, and various representatives, will be traveling there to visit some of the most magnificent areas and sights,” he continued. “Greenland is an incredible place, and the people will benefit tremendously if, and when, it becomes part of our Nation. We will protect it, and cherish it, from a very vicious outside World. MAKE GREENLAND GREAT AGAIN!”
A source familiar with the matter clarified to Fox News Digital that Don Jr. is “popping in for a quick day-long trip to shoot some fun video content for podcasting.”
The source added that “he will not be meeting with any government officials or political figures” and is traveling in a personal capacity to meet locals and visit cultural sites.
U.S. President-elect Donald Trump and his son Donald Trump Jr. attend the launch of the sixth test flight of the SpaceX Starship rocket on November 19, 2024 in Brownsville, Texas. / Brandon Bell/Getty Images
After floating around the idea of buying Greenland during his first term, Trump doubled-down on his ambitions in a Truth Social post two weeks ago while announcing PayPal co-founder Ken Howery as his choice for ambassador to Denmark (whose constitution protects Greenland’s autonomy).
“For purposes of National Security and Freedom throughout the World, the United States of America feels that the ownership and control of Greenland is an absolute necessity,” Trump wrote on Dec. 22, 2024. “Ken will do a wonderful job in representing the interests of the United States.”
Greenland’s Prime Minister Múte Egede did not take to the president-elect’s proposition kindly however, sharing in a statement on Dec. 24, 2024, “Greenland is ours.”
“We are not for sale and will never be for sale,” he continued. “We must not lose our long struggle for freedom.”
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